The best items of the week:

Charlton Heston’s Gun Taken from His ‘Cold Dead Hands” – (The Skunk)

Local Man Not Thinking About Sex Enough – (The Enduring Vision)

Illinois Woman Finds Unwatched Tapes of Guiding Light, Postpones Suicide – (Wear Your Cape)

Dallas Cowboys Release Jerry Jones – (The Onion)

Obama Trying Out Social Policies In ‘Second Life’ – (The Onion)

Couple Sneaks Away From Party For A Little Arguing – (The Onion)

Levar Burton: My Living Nightmare Of Encouraging Kids To Read Is Over – (The Onion)

Woman’s Head Found, Attached To Body – The Bunyon

What Do I Need to Say to Put You in this Coffin Today? – News Mutiny

The best items of the week:

Derek Jeter Honored For Having Fewer Hits Than Harold Baines (The Onion)

Facebook to Make Money Selling Your Data to Your Mom (TechChuff)

Congressman legalizes pot for himself (The Skunk)

Americans Observing 9/11 By Trying Not To Masturbate (The Onion)

Nerd Alarmed At His Growing Interest In Football (Enduring Vision)

Kid With Cancer Hopes To Realize Dream Of Meeting Competent Oncologist (The Onion)

Melting Ice Caps Expose Hundreds Of Secret Arctic Lairs (The Onion)