The best items of the week:

Macedonia Commits 2 Extra Troops to Afghanistan – Daily Fortnight

New Device Desirable, Old Device Undesirable – Onion

England Handed Relatively Easy World Cup Group to Struggle Through – Daily Fortnight

Last Minute Of Man’s Sexual Prime Expires During Routine Visit To Dry Cleaner – Onion

Senator Chuck Grassley Hurting GOP’s Chances With Women At Bars – Onion

New Study Reveals Most Children Unrepentant Sociopaths – Onion

Christ Turns Down 3-Year, Multimillion Dollar Deal To Coach Notre Dame – Onion

NFL To Fine Players For Getting Concussions – Onion

The best items of the week:

Obama to Send 30,000 Call of Duty Players to Afghanistan – Enduring Vision

Obama Tells Nation He’s Going Out For Cigarettes – Onion

Early Golfers Cite Baggy Pants, Floppy Hats for Marital Fidelity – History Bluff

Gunman Thought Coworkers Would Be Back From Lunch By Now – Onion

Shared Memory Of Children’s Television Show Leads To Sex – Onion

Nation’s Poor Bastards Never Even Saw It Coming – Onion

Zombie Reagan Raised From Grave – Onion

My Friend, You Will Love This Narrow Moroccan Alley – Onion

Area Dad Talking About Pete Maravich Again – Onion

Tim Duncan Calls Out Geometric Angle Needed To Make Bank Shot – Onion

The best items of the week:

Cheneys Slam Obama for Turkey Pardon, Urge Military Tribunal for Gobbler – Satirical Political Report

Pittsburgh School District Leads Nation In Ability To Spell ‘Roethlisberger’ – Onion

President Obama Advises Troops Not to Fill Up on Turkey – Underneath Politics

26-Year-Old To See Every Asshole He Ever Went To High School With On Night Before Thanksgiving – Onion

Americans Shocked To Remember That Gay Singer Adam Lambert Is Gay – Enduring Vision

Bengals’ Uniforms No Longer Look Stupid Now That Team Is Good – Onion

The best items of the week:

Area Man Realizes He Can Just Smoke Weed Instead – Enduring Vision

Palin Accidentally Burns Her Own Book – The Skunk

Survey: Modern Women Rank ‘Having A Big Box of Random Cables’ a Must-Have in a Man – Tech Chuff

Report: Fiber Optics Not A Real Thing – The Onion

Greyhound Now Offering Direct Service From Kansas To L.A. Porn Director’s Driveway – The Onion

Area Man Passionate Defender Of What He Imagines Constitution To Be – The Onion

The best items of the week:

U.S. Government suspends search for Bin Laden to focus on Carmen Sandiego – Daily Blank

Burger King, Dairy Queen Pay Royal Visit to Local Man’s Digestive System – Daily Fortnight

Kris Kross Reunites as Wendy’s Employees – Smooth Operator

Obese Pugilist Discriminated Against; Only Given 10 Seconds to Get Back Up – History Bluff

Vatican: New Shroud of Turin Best Yet – Glossy News

Increasingly Horrified Man Listens To Self Explain What He Does For A Living – The Onion

1999 Collaboration Between Carlos Santana, Rob Thomas Somehow Standing Test Of Time – The Onion

Congressman Boehner’s Terror Alert Skin Set Back To Orange – The Onion

Some Tea Baggers Caught Steeping, Not Protesting – Wear Your Cape

The best items of the week:

Paleontologist Unable to Figure Out Where Extra Bones Go – History Bluff

Honorable Freshman Saving Ass for Marriage – Glossy News

Man with No Pet Peeves Annoys the Hell out of Everyone – Wear Your Cape

Catholic Church finally forgives Lennon – Bite the News

If I’m So Crazy, Then Why Do People Keep Having Sex With Me? – The Onion

Fat People ‘Really Just Growing Sideways’ – Daily Fortnight

House Haunted By Tortured Souls Of Current Residents – The Onion

Victim In Fatal Car Accident Tragically Not Glenn Beck – The Onion

The best items of the week:

Oh, the Alcoholic Afternoons…. – Bite the News

Meth Addicts Demand Government Address Nation’s Growing Spider Menace – The Onion

Desperate Al Qaeda Now Recruiting Through Craigslist – Daily Fortnight

A-Rod Can’t Wait To Someday Tell Estranged Grandchildren About 2009 Postseason – The Onion

Conservatives ready to burn Palin’s book – Daily Blank

Protagonist Scrolls Intensely Through Microfilm – The Onion

My House is Occupied by the Most Delightful Demon – News Mutiny

Man Dies After Secret 4-Year Battle With Gorilla – The Onion

CC Sabathia tired of being copied on everyone’s emails – Derf

The Importance of Hitting the Right Button – Watley Review

The best items of the week:

To Tweet, or Not to Tweet – Watley Review

African Boy Continues To Receive Rotten Food From ‘Charity’ – The Bunyon

As Per Midnight Madness Tradition, Duke Freshman Sacrificed Center Court – The Onion

Overcrowding In Mob Burial Grounds A Big Concern – CAP

Area Man Has Far Greater Knowledge Of Marvel Universe Than Own Family Tree – The Onion

Global Warming Impacting Habitat of Gummi Bears – DotPenn

Sunken Oil Tanker Will Be Habitat For Marine Life, Shell Executives Say With Straight Face

U. S. House Rebukes John Boehner for “Totally Prehistoric” Ringtones – Wear Your Cape

People Are Always Coming To Me With My Problems

The best items of the week:

Not Knowing How To Celebrate, A-Rod Breaks Champagne Bottle Over Teammates’ Heads – Onion

Unsolicited Advice from Old People: Driving in Houston – Texas Cockroach

‘What recession?”, Says CEO of Online Pet-Dating Startup – TechChuff

Raiders Achieve First Down – Onion

Plans For ‘Hanson: Rock Star’ Game Shelved Owing to Lack of Public Interest – TechChuff

Every Day Of Local Dad’s Life An Endless Battle To Hold On To Good Pen – Onion

Gay Man Not Ready for Marriage Anyway – Daily Fortnight

Report: Majority Of Newspapers Now Purchased By Kidnappers To Prove Date – Onion

The best items of the week:

After Ravaging Samoa, Tsunami Gets Destroyed By Troy Polamalu – Enduring Vision

GOP Seeks to ‘Eliminate’ the Public Option for Restrooms – Satirical Political Report

Weird Kid Types Grammatically Coherent YouTube Comment – Daily Fortnight

Father Dies Copying DVD to Floppy Disks. Unhelpful Son Jailed – Tech Chuff

Anti-Suffragist Ann Coulter Promises to Stay Home and Shut Up – Wear Your Cape

Obama Vows Xmas Gift Sanctions If Iran Keeps Nukes – CAP News