Excerpted from the Baltimore Dispatch:

Marcus Duggerskull, head of the Baltimore Chapter of the Washington Generals Fan Club, waved the 5,000 signature petition he gathered calling for the resignation or firing of the Washington Generals GM. He and several other members of the fan club arrived at the front door of the basketball franchise’s administrative headquarters to hand deliver the petition.

“His track record is appalling,” Duggerskull said to the gathered media, “He has to go.”

“Did you know that since 1953 he’s overseen only six General victories and, get this, over 13,000 losses to the Harlem Globetrotters and others. Why not just hire Matt Millen after his stint in Detroit? At least his teams won more than .046% of the time.”

“This is an outrage and as hard-core fans we’re not going to stand by and be quiet any longer.”

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Excerpted from the Baltimore Dispatch:

A source close to the former President and First Lady, who wished to remain anonymous, said the two are devastated by the supernatural development.

“They’re really wrecked.  Here they thought the poor little fella was getting laid to rest in Arkansas, as per their wishes, and then they have to find out that the jerk in charge of the internment decided to pocket a little cash by sending the poor little guy up to Maine.  Now the damn, zombie cat’s roaming around attacking young children.  What a nightmare.”

“And I can’t even begin to imagine what Chelsea’s going through.”

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Excerpted from the Des Moines Unionist:

Area resident Gregorio Wormwicker immediately regretted the wisecrack he made referencing the similarities between the Total Recall character Cuato and his newborn son, Craig.

“Specifically, I regret cracking that joke in front of my wife, Beatrice.  She doesn’t really have a sense of humor anyway, but throw in some catastrophic sleep deprivation and some likely post-partem depression and, man, she nearly snapped my head off.”

When reached for comment, Mrs. Wormwicker mumbled something about her husband being an idiot and slammed the front door.

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Excerpted from the Canton Intelligencer:

Sources present at the Cavaliers End of the Year Banquet said that it was an uncomfortable experience.

“My wife and I left as soon as we could,” remarked an employee in Cleveland’s front office, who wished to remain anonymous.

“When one of his teammates would walk up to receive their award, Lebron would alternate between long, slow claps and vigorous clapping.”

“It was pretty obvious he was still steamed by their lack of support during the Orlando series.”

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