Excerpted from the Manhattan Spectrum:

Donna Duggerskull, drive-through window employee at a Wendy’s in Brooklyn, says she can always tell when it’s James Earl Jones ordering.

“Without a doubt.  His voice is so unique that when it bellows through the headset asking for a frosty or large fries I know that it’s him.  I’m a big fan of Star Wars and Field of Dreams and I watched a lot of CNN, so yeah, I can tell its him every time.”

“He’s a good sport, too.  We always ask him to say lines from his movies, like ‘Luke, I’m your father’ and ‘This is CNN,’ and he hasn’t let us down yet.”

“He was even nice enough to autograph my work visor.”

Read more satirical news at Newsgrift.com

The best items of the week:

Macedonia Commits 2 Extra Troops to Afghanistan – Daily Fortnight

New Device Desirable, Old Device Undesirable – Onion

England Handed Relatively Easy World Cup Group to Struggle Through – Daily Fortnight

Last Minute Of Man’s Sexual Prime Expires During Routine Visit To Dry Cleaner – Onion

Senator Chuck Grassley Hurting GOP’s Chances With Women At Bars – Onion

New Study Reveals Most Children Unrepentant Sociopaths – Onion

Christ Turns Down 3-Year, Multimillion Dollar Deal To Coach Notre Dame – Onion

NFL To Fine Players For Getting Concussions – Onion

Excerpted from the Baltimore Dispatch:

Marcus Duggerskull, head of the Baltimore Chapter of the Washington Generals Fan Club, waved the 5,000 signature petition he gathered calling for the resignation or firing of the Washington Generals GM. He and several other members of the fan club arrived at the front door of the basketball franchise’s administrative headquarters to hand deliver the petition.

“His track record is appalling,” Duggerskull said to the gathered media, “He has to go.”

“Did you know that since 1953 he’s overseen only six General victories and, get this, over 13,000 losses to the Harlem Globetrotters and others. Why not just hire Matt Millen after his stint in Detroit? At least his teams won more than .046% of the time.”

“This is an outrage and as hard-core fans we’re not going to stand by and be quiet any longer.”

Read more satirical news at Newsgrift.com

Zombie Reagan Raised From Grave To Lead GOP

The best items of the week:

Obama to Send 30,000 Call of Duty Players to Afghanistan – Enduring Vision

Obama Tells Nation He’s Going Out For Cigarettes – Onion

Early Golfers Cite Baggy Pants, Floppy Hats for Marital Fidelity – History Bluff

Gunman Thought Coworkers Would Be Back From Lunch By Now – Onion

Shared Memory Of Children’s Television Show Leads To Sex – Onion

Nation’s Poor Bastards Never Even Saw It Coming – Onion

Zombie Reagan Raised From Grave – Onion

My Friend, You Will Love This Narrow Moroccan Alley – Onion

Area Dad Talking About Pete Maravich Again – Onion

Tim Duncan Calls Out Geometric Angle Needed To Make Bank Shot – Onion