The best items of the week:

Macedonia Commits 2 Extra Troops to Afghanistan – Daily Fortnight

New Device Desirable, Old Device Undesirable – Onion

England Handed Relatively Easy World Cup Group to Struggle Through – Daily Fortnight

Last Minute Of Man’s Sexual Prime Expires During Routine Visit To Dry Cleaner – Onion

Senator Chuck Grassley Hurting GOP’s Chances With Women At Bars – Onion

New Study Reveals Most Children Unrepentant Sociopaths – Onion

Christ Turns Down 3-Year, Multimillion Dollar Deal To Coach Notre Dame – Onion

NFL To Fine Players For Getting Concussions – Onion

The best items of the week:

Obama to Send 30,000 Call of Duty Players to Afghanistan – Enduring Vision

Obama Tells Nation He’s Going Out For Cigarettes – Onion

Early Golfers Cite Baggy Pants, Floppy Hats for Marital Fidelity – History Bluff

Gunman Thought Coworkers Would Be Back From Lunch By Now – Onion

Shared Memory Of Children’s Television Show Leads To Sex – Onion

Nation’s Poor Bastards Never Even Saw It Coming – Onion

Zombie Reagan Raised From Grave – Onion

My Friend, You Will Love This Narrow Moroccan Alley – Onion

Area Dad Talking About Pete Maravich Again – Onion

Tim Duncan Calls Out Geometric Angle Needed To Make Bank Shot – Onion

Touche.

The best items of the week:

Cheneys Slam Obama for Turkey Pardon, Urge Military Tribunal for Gobbler – Satirical Political Report

Pittsburgh School District Leads Nation In Ability To Spell ‘Roethlisberger’ – Onion

President Obama Advises Troops Not to Fill Up on Turkey – Underneath Politics

26-Year-Old To See Every Asshole He Ever Went To High School With On Night Before Thanksgiving – Onion

Americans Shocked To Remember That Gay Singer Adam Lambert Is Gay – Enduring Vision

Bengals’ Uniforms No Longer Look Stupid Now That Team Is Good – Onion

The best items of the week:

Area Man Realizes He Can Just Smoke Weed Instead – Enduring Vision

Palin Accidentally Burns Her Own Book – The Skunk

Survey: Modern Women Rank ‘Having A Big Box of Random Cables’ a Must-Have in a Man – Tech Chuff

Report: Fiber Optics Not A Real Thing – The Onion

Greyhound Now Offering Direct Service From Kansas To L.A. Porn Director’s Driveway – The Onion

Area Man Passionate Defender Of What He Imagines Constitution To Be – The Onion