Excerpted from the Manhattan Spectrum:

Donna Duggerskull, drive-through window employee at a Wendy’s in Brooklyn, says she can always tell when it’s James Earl Jones ordering.

“Without a doubt.  His voice is so unique that when it bellows through the headset asking for a frosty or large fries I know that it’s him.  I’m a big fan of Star Wars and Field of Dreams and I watched a lot of CNN, so yeah, I can tell its him every time.”

“He’s a good sport, too.  We always ask him to say lines from his movies, like ‘Luke, I’m your father’ and ‘This is CNN,’ and he hasn’t let us down yet.”

“He was even nice enough to autograph my work visor.”

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Excerpted from the Baltimore Dispatch:

Marcus Duggerskull, head of the Baltimore Chapter of the Washington Generals Fan Club, waved the 5,000 signature petition he gathered calling for the resignation or firing of the Washington Generals GM. He and several other members of the fan club arrived at the front door of the basketball franchise’s administrative headquarters to hand deliver the petition.

“His track record is appalling,” Duggerskull said to the gathered media, “He has to go.”

“Did you know that since 1953 he’s overseen only six General victories and, get this, over 13,000 losses to the Harlem Globetrotters and others. Why not just hire Matt Millen after his stint in Detroit? At least his teams won more than .046% of the time.”

“This is an outrage and as hard-core fans we’re not going to stand by and be quiet any longer.”

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Excerpted from the Dallas Wildcatter:

George W. Bush Presidential Library librarian Mona Wormwicker expressed surprise that she hadn’t met the former president yet.

“It’s not a huge deal, I guess, but I really thought I’d have seen him by now.  We’ve had probably a hundred meetings dealing with the architectural plans and he and Laura’s ‘vision’ for the edifice, but W hasn’t dropped in once.”

“I was in from the ground floor for George H.W. Bush’s library in Houston and he was all over the place there … bringing us coffee and sandwiches, measuring girders, hand delivering old volumes of congressional drafts and executive orders from the 19th century…”

“I guess the apple fell pretty far from the tree with this one…”

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Excerpted from the Los Angeles Informer:

California state comptroller, Miles Duggerskull, broke the news that the Springfield Bear Patrol had been the latest casualty of the state budget crisis.

“It’s with a heavy heart that I announce the ending of this program,” Duggerskull said, “I wish there were some way to keep it running, but our budgetary crisis is too large and the statewide bear attack numbers are too few.”

Yreka resident Max Pantaloons could barely maintain his outrage.

“I can barely contain my outrage,” Pantaloons said dryly, “It’s just another example of those fat, city cats up at the capital not understanding what us rural folk have to go through.”

“Sure, the program didn’t affect me up here in Yreka and, sure, there hasn’t been a fatal bear attack in Springfield in over a decade, but it’s the principle, damnit.  It’s the principle.”

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Excerpted from the Denver Zephyr:

Area resident Montgomery Wormwicker II came clean to his old high school buddies last week.

“I finally came clean about my claim of losing my virginity at a Canadian summer camp between my freshman and sophomore year,” said Wormwicker, “It seemed like an amazingly believable story at the time and I thought it would really boost my image in my peers’ eyes.”

Asked for comment, Wormwickers childhood chums raised their eyebrows and expressed their disbelief.  Specifically, their disbelief that Wormwicker had thought that they believed him.

“He was 110 lbs and had a terrible case of acne.  Of course, we didn’t believe him,” said friend Piotr Ponkowski.

“It was common knowledge that he was a virgin on his wedding day.”

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Excerpted from the Seattle Galosh Inquisitor:

Freelance tech reporter Marco Wormwicker could hardly contain his excitement at the prospect of seeing a new and improved “blue screen of death” twice maybe three times a month.

“It’s fantastic,” said Wormwicker, “Absolutely fantastic. Instead of your run of the mill, drab blue background, Microsoft finally called in some designers and UI experts to really crank it to 11.”

“It’s got everything: A gradient background and not one, but two little paperclip, Office Assistants to temper your frustration and be pleasantly unhelpful.”

“I didn’t ever think that I’d actually be looking forward to the 2, 3, sometimes 10 times a month when my Windows laptop crunks and hits me with a blue screen of death, but that day is here.”

“Thank you, Bill Gates.”

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Excerpted from the Indianapolis Herald Tribune:

The Indianapolis offensive line has had enough of quarterback Peyton Manning’s shouting and pointing at the line of scrimmage.

Ryan Diem, offensive tackle for the Colts, had this to say:

“If he would just call an audible, that would be fine.  But instead he’s just pointing out the obvious.”

“It’s, like, really, Peyton? You don’t think that we see that hulking linebacker behind the defensive tackle?”

“Really? You think we’re just going to let him waltz on through?”

“Really?”

“But, of course you can’t say anything or he’ll look hurt and give you the Peyton manning face.”

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Excerpted from the Cincinnati Ledger Express:

Grant Thimbleweed, an eyewitness, described the happening.

“Well, we were at this memorabilia show where Rose was signing stuff and then this one random guy walks by and yells, ‘Hey, Rose.  You jerk, you’ll never make it to the Hall of Fame.’ ”

“Charlie Hustle shot back, ‘Wanna put a fiver on it?’ ”

“The guy looked incredulous and then started yelling, ‘That’s partly why they kicked you out, you dumb piece of…,’ before he was tackled by the show’s security guards and dragged outside.”

“It was all pretty strange,” Thimbleweed added before holding up his autographed 8×12 photo of Rose crashing into Ray Fosse during the 1970 All-Star game.

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Excerpted from the Baltimore Dispatch:

A source close to the former President and First Lady, who wished to remain anonymous, said the two are devastated by the supernatural development.

“They’re really wrecked.  Here they thought the poor little fella was getting laid to rest in Arkansas, as per their wishes, and then they have to find out that the jerk in charge of the internment decided to pocket a little cash by sending the poor little guy up to Maine.  Now the damn, zombie cat’s roaming around attacking young children.  What a nightmare.”

“And I can’t even begin to imagine what Chelsea’s going through.”

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Excerpted from the Des Moines Unionist:

Area resident Gregorio Wormwicker immediately regretted the wisecrack he made referencing the similarities between the Total Recall character Cuato and his newborn son, Craig.

“Specifically, I regret cracking that joke in front of my wife, Beatrice.  She doesn’t really have a sense of humor anyway, but throw in some catastrophic sleep deprivation and some likely post-partem depression and, man, she nearly snapped my head off.”

When reached for comment, Mrs. Wormwicker mumbled something about her husband being an idiot and slammed the front door.

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