The Golf Handicap: Organized Cheating at Its Finest

amateur-golf

I recently re-established my golf handicap this season. The process has always been a flaky one for me. Nevertheless, a handful of scores later, I acquired a number that is supposed to be the average amount I shoot over par in a given 18-hole round. As I logged into my state golf association website, I was able to view all the rules and by-laws regarding the establishment of said handicap. In big letters read, “A SCORE IS NOT ELIGIBLE IF THE PLAYER PLAYS WITH NON-REGULATION CLUBS OR BALLS.”

That’s the warning that gets the top billing?

THAT’s what the association is worried about?

That I might pull a Rodney Dangerfield from Caddyshack and nail a 30-footer for birdie using an Albert Einstein-designed putter?

How about the fact that a person can enter whatever they want for a score with zero oversight? Maybe that might be the bigger loophole? Try this the next time you’re at the course: gaze past the underage girls operating the beer carts, the disgruntled suspicious dude picking up the range balls (my first job), into the club house, between the dipshits letting us all know how great Tiger is every time he’s shown on the big screen, and you just might notice a very large elephant that no one else sees…or at least they pretend not to. And now, instead of handing in a scorecard signed by several people to another human in the clubhouse (like in the ol’ days), a person can now enter their score at a kiosk….by their lonesome.

Imagine this: as thousands of people enter their numbers after a round, a select few stumble across the notion that they can be whatever handicap they want. It’s like the problem you might get if you left a group of 4-year olds unattended in a room with a big clear jar of Oreos in the middle. Sooner or later…

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Written by Hoopty Rolla in: A Measured Opinion, Sports | Tags: , , ,
Aug 26, 2009
Hoopty Rolla
By Hoopty Rolla

Cheerleading: the Vestigial Tail of Sports

cheerleading

While I would never want total amnesia, one benefit, however, would be a chance to revisit all the routine things we do and see every day and to pick out all the stuff that doesn’t make any sense. Take a basketball game, for instance…

I’m pretty sure the first thing I would question is who in the hell are these “cheerleaders” in the goofy school-colored uniforms that don’t resemble anything a female on this planet would ever wear (at least in this millennium)?

How about the dudes grabbing their butts as they hoist them over their heads?…I guess I can partially make sense of that.

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Old Dudes, Clothe Thyself…

Or, “What’s waiting behind aisle #2?”

lockerroom

What stops an old guy from putting on his Fruit of the Looms in a gym locker room? Too much my friends, far too much. How many times do I have to walk into my local fitness club and witness senior porn?

Putting on their socks…in the nude.

Shaving…nude.

Checking phone messages…nuderama.

Deodorant…nuder.

Going for an additional head and groin towel-off…Old McNudald.

Big arm stretch and waist twist…Bachman-Nuder Overdrive.

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Ode to the Benchwarmers

bench

Joining “Riding the Pine” triggered some memories of a few glorious days of yore and, as sort of an [early] homage to this site, I thought I’d share them:

I’m talking about those days of ‘squeaking it out’ at tryouts amidst that nostalgic smell of sweat, bleacher varnish, and stale Pepsi.

Of sharing the court with the drill team at AM practice and the thrill of “going skins” and showing them just how much a 125-lb frame can stir the soul.

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Written by Hoopty Rolla in: A Measured Opinion, Sports | Tags: , , ,
Jun 26, 2009
Hoopty Rolla
By Hoopty Rolla

Oregon Hoops Team Travels to Bay Area and The Ewoks Attack an Imperial Walker: A Critical Comparison

The Oregon Ducks (6-12, Pac-10 0-6 [yup, 0-6]) take a six-game losing streak into tonight’s matchup at Stanford. Relatedly, somewhere on Endor a group of Ewoks are using stone age tools and sharpened sticks to attack an Imperial Walker. Las Vegas is throwing smart money at the small, furry, bears-like creatures (-11).

The Ducks find themselves at the bottom of the Pac-10 standings looking up at Oregon State, a team that set a record last season by losing all 18 of its Pac-10 games. A feat the Ducks don’t want to match. Michelle Obama’s other brother is not walking through that door.

What’s the problem? Leadership. The Ewoks have it and the Ducks don’t.

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Written by Enrico Pallazzo in: A Measured Opinion, Sports | Tags: ,
Jan 22, 2009
Enrico Pallazzo
By Enrico Pallazzo