The best items of the week:

Obama to Send 30,000 Call of Duty Players to Afghanistan – Enduring Vision

Obama Tells Nation He’s Going Out For Cigarettes – Onion

Early Golfers Cite Baggy Pants, Floppy Hats for Marital Fidelity – History Bluff

Gunman Thought Coworkers Would Be Back From Lunch By Now – Onion

Shared Memory Of Children’s Television Show Leads To Sex – Onion

Nation’s Poor Bastards Never Even Saw It Coming – Onion

Zombie Reagan Raised From Grave – Onion

My Friend, You Will Love This Narrow Moroccan Alley – Onion

Area Dad Talking About Pete Maravich Again – Onion

Tim Duncan Calls Out Geometric Angle Needed To Make Bank Shot – Onion