The best items of the week:

U.S. Government suspends search for Bin Laden to focus on Carmen Sandiego – Daily Blank

Burger King, Dairy Queen Pay Royal Visit to Local Man’s Digestive System – Daily Fortnight

Kris Kross Reunites as Wendy’s Employees – Smooth Operator

Obese Pugilist Discriminated Against; Only Given 10 Seconds to Get Back Up – History Bluff

Vatican: New Shroud of Turin Best Yet – Glossy News

Increasingly Horrified Man Listens To Self Explain What He Does For A Living – The Onion

1999 Collaboration Between Carlos Santana, Rob Thomas Somehow Standing Test Of Time – The Onion

Congressman Boehner’s Terror Alert Skin Set Back To Orange – The Onion

Some Tea Baggers Caught Steeping, Not Protesting – Wear Your Cape