The best items of the week:

Not Knowing How To Celebrate, A-Rod Breaks Champagne Bottle Over Teammates’ Heads – Onion

Unsolicited Advice from Old People: Driving in Houston – Texas Cockroach

‘What recession?”, Says CEO of Online Pet-Dating Startup – TechChuff

Raiders Achieve First Down – Onion

Plans For ‘Hanson: Rock Star’ Game Shelved Owing to Lack of Public Interest – TechChuff

Every Day Of Local Dad’s Life An Endless Battle To Hold On To Good Pen – Onion

Gay Man Not Ready for Marriage Anyway – Daily Fortnight

Report: Majority Of Newspapers Now Purchased By Kidnappers To Prove Date – Onion