The best items of the week:

Charlton Heston’s Gun Taken from His ‘Cold Dead Hands” – (The Skunk)

Local Man Not Thinking About Sex Enough – (The Enduring Vision)

Illinois Woman Finds Unwatched Tapes of Guiding Light, Postpones Suicide – (Wear Your Cape)

Dallas Cowboys Release Jerry Jones – (The Onion)

Obama Trying Out Social Policies In ‘Second Life’ – (The Onion)

Couple Sneaks Away From Party For A Little Arguing – (The Onion)

Levar Burton: My Living Nightmare Of Encouraging Kids To Read Is Over – (The Onion)

Woman’s Head Found, Attached To Body – The Bunyon

What Do I Need to Say to Put You in this Coffin Today? – News Mutiny