The best items of the week:

Derek Jeter Honored For Having Fewer Hits Than Harold Baines (The Onion)

Facebook to Make Money Selling Your Data to Your Mom (TechChuff)

Congressman legalizes pot for himself (The Skunk)

Americans Observing 9/11 By Trying Not To Masturbate (The Onion)

Nerd Alarmed At His Growing Interest In Football (Enduring Vision)

Kid With Cancer Hopes To Realize Dream Of Meeting Competent Oncologist (The Onion)

Melting Ice Caps Expose Hundreds Of Secret Arctic Lairs (The Onion)