I recently re-established my golf handicap this season. The process has always been a flaky one for me. Nevertheless, a handful of scores later, I acquired a number that is supposed to be the average amount I shoot over par in a given 18-hole round. As I logged into my state golf association website, I was able to view all the rules and by-laws regarding the establishment of said handicap. In big letters read, “A SCORE IS NOT ELIGIBLE IF THE PLAYER PLAYS WITH NON-REGULATION CLUBS OR BALLS.”

That’s the warning that gets the top billing?

THAT’s what the association is worried about?

That I might pull a Rodney Dangerfield from Caddyshack and nail a 30-footer for birdie using an Albert Einstein-designed putter?

How about the fact that a person can enter whatever they want for a score with zero oversight? Maybe that might be the bigger loophole? Try this the next time you’re at the course: gaze past the underage girls operating the beer carts, the disgruntled suspicious dude picking up the range balls (my first job), into the club house, between the dipshits letting us all know how great Tiger is every time he’s shown on the big screen, and you just might notice a very large elephant that no one else sees…or at least they pretend not to. And now, instead of handing in a scorecard signed by several people to another human in the clubhouse (like in the ol’ days), a person can now enter their score at a kiosk….by their lonesome.

Imagine this: as thousands of people enter their numbers after a round, a select few stumble across the notion that they can be whatever handicap they want. It’s like the problem you might get if you left a group of 4-year olds unattended in a room with a big clear jar of Oreos in the middle. Sooner or later…

And if they can be whatever handicap they want, why not inflate that number so that when they play in local tournaments (basically the only reason to have a handicap) they have a better chance of winning prize money? I couldn’t help but wonder that as I gazed at the leader board at a tournament I just played in. “59” read one of the “net” scores. For you non-golfers, a “net” score is the score obtained by taking the player’s actual score and subtracting their handicap. Again, generally that number should be about even par (say 72 or so). So, shooting a 59 is basically playing 13 strokes below your average. 13 strokes. When was the last time Tiger Woods, a 0 handicap from what I hear, shot a 59? Phil Mickelson? This dude basically, got out bed, pissed excellence that particular morning, threw on a faded pair of navy dockers, hopped into his ‘91 Volkswagon Rabbit, and proceeded to play better (relatively) than every professional golfer in the world.

Granted he’s not playing on Augusta National. And, maybe he’s just a “gamer,” a golfer savant, who never got his shot at the big time? Yeah that’s it, he’s a quiet, low-key dude who prefers Blue Ribbon, co-ed softball, the 9-5 shift at Lloyd Lumber, and weekend tourneys at the local municipal over the hassle of the PGA. Then again, if that’s so, why is he a freakin’ 19-handicap? Or just maybe, er…uh…I don’t know how to say this USGA…but maybe he’s a dirtball cheater? Maybe that number I paid 50 bucks for isn’t based on reality.

But hey, I’ll live with it. I’ll keep entering my legit scores while this dude rounds up to the nearest zero, or double-zero, as the case may be. And he can go on and use his winnings to buy that alligator head cover that he’s had his eyes on. All that I ask is that he doesn’t smile when he picks up that gift certificate. That he doesn’t gloat or try to shake my hand. That he doesn’t kick back in the clubhouse and tell us about how lucky he got when he holed those 3 putts in a row for birdie. How he never missed a fairway…and he never does that! That he just takes his money, gets back in the Rabbit, and rides quietly into the sunset. At least extend us all that still abide truthfully by the handicap system that courtesy.

H. R.